Anxiety Paralyzes My Life

Please help me manage my anxiety in some way that does not involve medication or therapy. I have had huge anxiety my whole life. I think it runs in our family because my mother and grandmother were both very anxious and high strung. My worries are mostly about being loved, being alone and getting hurt. I have not been in a relationship for over three years and I feel like my anxiety is partly to blame. Please give me some ideas that don’t involve medications or therapy.

Quick: Living with anxiety sucks hugely. There is research to suggest that anxiety, like depression, runs in families. Your worries make me wonder about your history, specifically, your relationship history. How has love worked in your life? How does your family show love? Anxiety can be managed in a variety of ways, without medication and therapy, if necessary. Relaxation exercises, self-talk, yoga, meditation, exercise… the list is long. There are some wonderful self-help books for anxiety and phobias, too. The trick is to grow a tool kit of anxiety management strategies as sometimes different tools work better with specific situations.

 

Quack: No meds, no therapy….can I use my magic wand? Anxiety is a big word, it covers several disorders: post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder. How do you know you are anxious? Or did your grandmother and mother just tell you that you were anxious and it became part of the family story. The females are all anxious, high strung, nervous, and hysterical. Why is this a familiar pathology brand for women? Okay, I digress. There is some scientific evidence that anxiety is genetic, but there are probably some environmental factors that add to the mix.  The topics of ‘love, being alone, getting hurt.’ are common themes. This is the Grand Trio of most people’s fears and worries. Soooo, start dating, practice deep breathing exercises, muscle relaxation, and engage in physical exercise. While dating, don’t act all desperate and needy or flighty and poised to run. Do something fun. Enjoy the path. Don’t fear the future.

Quick: So many questions on anxiety; I can’t help but believe that our high alert, post September 11, terrorism based world isn’t contributing to the uptick in worry. I want to produce “the top 50 strategies for managing anxiety” list, given that it seems more prevalent than ever before. I believe our technology allows us places to hide from our worries; this is good and bad. When we are off our devices, our fears come crashing back. It’s also so tempting to medicate our fears, bypassing the opportunity to learn some skills to manage anxiety.

Quack: Excellent idea, Dr. Quick. We must write the list. We have many questions from our readers related to anxiety. I believe a concise top 50 list would help lots of people. I know this is more prevalent in my practice; anxiety, global fears and despair at current international events. Let’s write!

Drunken family political brawl divides generations

I wrote awhile back about going to my in-laws for summer vacation with the kids. I was concerned about our differences in politics. One of you wrote and advised that I set limits and one of you wrote I shouldn’t go. We went. Politics came up and I set the limits. It went ok. I was pleased, we got along. Then we had the annual big barbecue. All my in-laws friends were there and everyone was drinking. It went south pretty fast. They spoke loudly about the greatness of Trump and how good he’d be for the middle class. I pointed out his failing businesses, his racism, his misogyny and his overall message of hate. The fight began. I admit, I handled myself poorly, very poorly. I stormed out eventually. My husband is furious with me. My in-laws told us to leave, that the children are welcome in the future, but I am not. This is a free country, he said, and my parents have the right to their opinion. I think we’re headed for divorce.

 

Quick: Let’s assume that your left leaning views are not a new revelation for your husband. Please review this with your spouse. Did he really expect you to remain quiet with the Trump bullhorn blaring??? Alcohol is such a messy drug and it allows us to speak without filter, clearly you did (and I love it). I am so sorry for the ugliness of the fight. My advice is that you write a letter of apology that acknowledges your differences but expresses regret for the deterioration of the annual barbecue. Thank them for their treatment of your children and express a wish to reestablish a connection where no one discusses their political views, given the differences in the family. So sorry for the ugliness. We are a country divided.

 

Quack: I am not above saying I told you so. Trump endorses hate and divisiveness. Your entire family is a beautiful example of this. I’ll take your word for it that you behaved badly (and yes drinking fuels many problems). The picture you paint is happening all over this country, it’s disgusting and frightening.  Hold to your beliefs and integrity but don’t act like a Trump Troll.

Quick: Oh Quacker, your gloating is so unbecoming… Perhaps you could be sympathetic to this woman’s plight and not engaged in the “happy I was right” dance. Families and politics (and religion and sex for that matter) are charged topics.

Noncommittal man: dump him or keep him?

I’ve been in a relationship with a good man for five years. I am 29 and thinking about marriage and a future. He’s kind, respectful and fun. I’ve tried to bring up our future and talk about our relationship but he says that we are good the way things are, that we shouldn’t try to change our relationship. I guess I always thought we would marry; now I’m wondering if I have wasted the last five years dating a man who has no intention to marry me. I am wondering what to do with this relationship?

Quick: Wasted is not a word that I would use for spending five years with a “good man”. That said, if marriage is important to you, be direct, specific and clear with your partner. Tell him that you, too, enjoy the relationship the way it is right now. As such, you want to commit to the long-term prospect of marriage. If he has no intention to marry, you will have to re think your goals for marriage. If marriage is your goal and he does not want to marry, you will be in a position to end the relationship.

 

Quack: Of course you haven’t wasted your time. Don’t be ridiculous. Did you grow? Learn things? Have fun? Have adventures together? Even if the relationship ends there was value, worth and love. I shall ask you two questions: Why is it so important to be married? And what frightens him about marriage? Oh and you can tell him from me that all relationships change or they end. Change is growth. Or there is stagnation. The two of you need to talk more in-depth.

Quick: But – don’t be afraid to ditch him if he doesn’t offer you what you want from a relationship.

Lazy, Loafing Lover Flirts with Work

I am in my late twenties. I have achieved the goals I have set for myself. College degree, job, house. My boyfriend and I split living in his home and mine. We have been together about 3 years. We discuss marriage and children as something we would both like to do. He has been floundering employment wise. Recently, his family asked him to come and learn the business so he could eventually take it over since they are getting older and wish to retire. The business is well established and successful. It is in another state. My career is here and when I have children I want to be near my family. I also want him to be happy and self- supporting. I’m definitely not leaving but he is ambivalent. I don’t want to pressure him to stay but I want him to stay and continue our life together. Advice!

Quick: Congrats on your life accomplishments. A degree, job and house are very impressive for your late 20’s. I wish I knew more about your relationship. The bits that I have make me suspect your boyfriend is a marginal citizen… Floundering with employment? Is he working? Are you supporting him? This situation will not improve without some work on his part. If he wants to take over the family business, you must support his decision. Please don’t talk him out of leaving, if he decides he wants to pursue this avenue. Don’t have children with someone who hasn’t figured out the world of work.

 

Quack:  You sound like an accomplished and determined woman. You have obviously made important decisions and are quite capable of follow through. You have decided not to leave. Make another decision: tell him what you want. Then deal with the consequences of your choices. Don’t dilly dally.

Quick: Please don’t tell him what you want unless you want him to stay and continue to loaf on the couch rather than finding gainful employment.

Redneck Gun Toting Boyfriend

I have been dating this really great guy for a couple months. Recently, he showed me his collection of guns – I was horrified. I am pro-gun control and against the idea of guns. My family is liberal and not pro NRA. I think he was hurt by my reaction, I could hardly speak. My inclination is to break up; is this too wide a gap to bridge? Please give me some advice.

Quick: These are second amendment gun toting days… as we have mass murderers, our congress cannot agree on gun control legislation to limit access to guns that are routinely used as killing machines. Automatic weapons/semiautomatic weapons are not being used to hunt and kill Bambi to put food on the table. They are part of a disturbing “sport” and often the weapon of choice when someone wants to commit a crime with multiple casualties. That said, if your great guy is really great then you should probably challenge your liberal ass to accept this as a difference. Don’t hide from the truth of the difference; be honest about your perspective, and work to learn about his.

Quack: I am probably going to alienate a bunch of people but I am so extraordinarily aggravated by the right to bear arms rationale. Makes me crazy. We can and have amended the amendments to the Constitution. Our forefathers were not talking about assault weapons. Gun control advocates are saying just that – ‘control.’ Argh. Have your boyfriend watch John Oliver and the episode about the NRA. Please tell me your ‘really great guy’ has his guns locked up.

Quick: Ok, it’s time for me to come out of the closet and acknowledge that I come from a gun toting family. Guns in every room of the house, under every bed, under my father’s pillow… They were fancy, pretty, cool, antique, collector’s items, for hunting and for show. I understand it. To my knowledge, no family member has committed a mass killing. They just enjoyed their guns.  I understand your “great guy” and I am hoping that this wildly controversial issue will not divide you and your man.