Burned Out Mama

I am a mother of two elementary school aged kids. I had my children later in life due to fertility issues. I am also responsible for taking care of my mother, who has rheumatoid arthritis. I am exhausted. I feel as though all I do is take care of someone. My husband is supportive but works long hours, arriving home right before our kids bed time. I feel guilty but I can’t stand my life. I need something to change. Any suggestions? I am an exhausted caregiver.

Quick: Poor baby, it sounds completely exhausting. The squeeze of children and parents simultaneously is overwhelming. So glad you have a supportive husband, so sorry he is missing in action during the hours where you need support. I want to beg you to absolve yourself of any guilt. You are having a healthy natural reaction to an unnatural amount of responsibility in your life. I don’t know the economics of your situation. Can you bring in some help in the evening?  Would a nanny for a few hours a day to allow you a break? Can you share the care of your mother more with a sibling? Could you bring in paid help with your mother? Are there caregiver support groups in your area? Are there friends who would help share the load? Is there a mommies group that would share the care in a co-op kind of way? I am so sorry for your profound stress.

 

Quack: Ugh, of course you are exhausted. Of course you hate your life. Something can change but it’s going to have to come from you. I have ideas, but I don’t know the particulars of your life, so they’re just ideas/suggestions. But, you are a caregiver and I’m gonna guess you also have control issues (caregivers frequently have control issues). Assess what your mother is capable of doing and HAVE her DO more. Your supportive husband can do more, too. (lunches for the kids, laundry, trash, dishes, pick up groceries on the way home. Welcome to second shift). He comes home and you’re off duty: take a bath, read a book, watch a movie, a massage from your husband, intimate acts. Divvy up the chores, ask for what you need, don’t be the overworked martyr and work to let some more things go

High Anxiety for Mom and Kids

I am a parent of high school age children. School has started and they are both anxious. They have watched the news and shootings of children. They have gone through previous years with lock downs when there is suspicious activity. They both would rather do on line high school. The truth is I am anxious also. I don’t know what to say to my kids, heck, I don’t know what to do myself. Help, signed super anxious mom.

Quick: These are anxious days. Terrorist attacks, police shooting unarmed citizens, lock downs on school campuses… all of these events and more contribute to an overall sense of anxiety for many children and adults. I would encourage you to be honest and supportive of your children. Encourage multiple ways to relax, unplug and calm yourselves. Doing on line high school is not a viable solution for anxiety. Avoiding your fears will only make things worse. Acknowledge fears and then work to shift focus to soothing, relaxing positive aspects of reality.

 

Quack: Parenting is riddled with anxiety, fears and concerns. Maybe your toddler will bash his head open on the glass table top, maybe your daughter will be abducted when she walks to school, maybe your child will ski into a tree while on the school ski trip, maybe an accident when they get their license, maybe drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, incurable disease. The list is endless. All of the possibilities are real. But you can’t live in unremitting anxiety and you can’t put your children in a protected cocoon. Teach your children safety planning for their most common place environments. Now teach yourself and your kids anxiety reduction strategies. I’m guessing as your anxiety decreases some of your children’s anxieties will reduce.

Hey, Dr. Quick, I think we should write a book about how to cope with anxiety in general and parenting anxiety in particular.

Quick: I think many of us have been living in an “orange alert” state since September 11^th. We make lousy decisions when we are scared; it is well worth your while to learn a variety of skills to relax and self-soothe. A book sounds like too much work but a good tool kit for anxiety is essential.

Pedicure Pisses Off Parent

I have been reading your advice to people. I know you deal with a lot of health and mental problems. My question might seem silly in comparison but it is important to me. I am 15 and I’m starting school in a few weeks. All my friends are getting pedicures before school begins. I really want to get one too. My mother refuses to let me. She says it’ll make me look ‘easy and sleazy.’ Really, she says that. She also says it’s a waste of money and time. We have been fighting about this for days. Would it be wrong for me to just go and get a pedicure and use my own money from babysitting?

Quick: Oh, dear, I am so glad you are thinking of painting your nails rather than smoking crack. Your mother makes me tired. While I recognize that we all have different ideas about what is sleazy, nail painting seems alarmingly tame to me. As you are 15, I believe the correct advice would be to continue to try to respectfully negotiate with your mother. Offering to pay for your manicure/pedicure may ease the conversation, if it is really about money. Count the years, dear; soon you will be making wise decisions for yourself. Hang in there.

 

Quack: Your mother should be happy you are in school, not pregnant, not doing drugs and attending to personal hygiene. However, you probably shouldn’t get the pedicure behind her back. If you do, undoubtedly, tensions, mistrust and arguments will ensue.  I wish your mother would focus on more important teenage issues. I agree with Quick, offering to pay from your own earnings might help. Maybe add that you won’t pick out a ‘sleazy’ red color but something demure (pink, coral). I wonder what your mom would say to a tattoo?

Quick: A lesson for your mother would be to learn how to pick her battles. There are brilliant things to battle about; a manicure/pedicure is not one of those issues. Neither is a tattoo

Kid’s on leashes? Parents’ shame

I have three children. The eldest is 6 and the twins are 4 1/2, all boys. They’re wild and do boy things. They constantly run away from me, especially in crowded places like the zoo. I have started using child leashes. People look at me with horror. My friends judge me and say that I should be able to control my children. Is it terrible? I am just trying to keep them safe. 

 

Quick: Personally, I find leashes reprehensible. Except on dogs. However, you make it clear that it is a safety strategy for your children. I find injured or dead children more horrifying than leashes. Unless your friends are willing to supervise your busy children safely, on a regular basis, tell them to back off. It may be worthwhile to seek the advice of a behavioral therapist who could suggest strategies for managing the boys’ behavior. Some sweet positive rewards and the possible use of the leashes may be all the consequences you need.

 

Quack: My first thought was, Oh, goodness no! I could only imagine myself as a child with a leash – I would have…well, done a lot of naughty things. I want to suggest that you need to control your children with words and consequences – not by tying them up. Then, I realized that I was as judgmental as those people you mentioned. As a result, I reconsidered. Safety first. Sometimes rewards and consequences do not stop two 4 year old kids careening off in different directions. The dirty looks are probably coming from childless adults or judgmental bitches like me. Ignore us all and do what you do. Stop seeking approval. Often as a parent you will make a decision that some like and a gazillion others do not. So, keep your children safe and you’ll feel better and therefore be a better less frazzled parent. Use a leash, save a gorilla.

Introducing Drs. Quick and Quack

 

Drs. Quick and Quack offer their sarcastic opinions on a variety of topics.

This blog is intended to amuse and engage.  Drs. Quick and Quack are undercover psychologists.

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